The Tabloid News Edition 2
Owner: Mr_Pickles 'FROM THE EDITOR' Ladies and Gentlemen of the crime world, it is important that you realize what’s going on around you. For your own safety and survival, you must be aware of your surroundings. That is why I am here, tirelessly bringing you only the finest in news and investigative journalism. Other so-called “newspapers” only pretend to give you the facts. But, they are not willing to dig deeper to uncover the truth behind a story. They won’t dig deep enough to uncover the lies behind the truth of a story. They claim to give you the “truth” of a story. We here at The Tabloid News, go the extra mile to tell you the LIES behind the TRUTH, and the TRUTH behind those LIES that are behind the TRUTH. And, that’s the truth. So, on with the news . . . 'ATTEMPT MADE ON CARLITOS’ LIFE, LOCH NESS MONSTER SUSPECTED' Recently, an unidentified Oldsmobile drove past Carlitos who was walking on his way home from a bar, and let loose several rounds of machine gun fire in his general direction. Carlitos escaped with only minor wounds. Upon further investigation, we have found proof that the Loch Ness Monster ordered this hit from her HQ in Scotland. Apparently, Carlitos owes her a substantial sum of money, and had defaulted on his loan. “I should never have borrowed money from a monster” he said in an interview. “Next time, I’m going to use the Abominable Snowman for a loan. He has reasonable rates, and since most Yetis are Buddhist, I won’t get shot at for defaulting.” We, of the editorial staff of the Tabloid News, think that Carlitos should be concerned for his karma if he wants to default on a Yeti loan. 'COMMUNIST SPIES ARE EVERYWHERE' Just when you though you were safe from the Red Menace, The Tabloid News brings you evidence of spies in our midst. J. Robert Oppenheimer has been reportedly pumping people on the street for information about atomic research, and weapons making. He can be seen wearing a black suit with a red tie; obviously a Communist. We at The Tabloid News understand and respect Oppenheimer’s Constitutional right to be an ignorant pinko. But, it is the responsibility of good Press men everywhere to report dangers to our society. This man must be shunned! Most people do not know, but Communists eat their young, and sacrifice their parents to pagan gods. They also squeeze their toothpaste from the middle. Beware if this man ever starts teaching in our school. The young impressionable minds of our children will be in his dastardly hands. The Communists will have our children smoking those funny cigarettes that jazz musicians smoke. We must be vigilant against this Menace from Moscow. 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN' Dear Red, Sometimes I’m depressed because I don’t think that what I do is as good as the way other people do things. I write for a living, but I don’t think what I write is as good as other peoples’ works. What should I do to boost my self-esteem? Signed, T. Bankhead Dear T. Give up. Obviously other people are better than you. Give up so you won’t be embarrassed again. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried. Red Dear Red, I’ve developed a reputation on the streets for being a rampant Lothario. My libido is known far and wide, and my skills are legendary. Because of this, I think women look at me like a piece of meat, and not a man to be loved. I want a woman to love me for who I am, and not just for my incredible good looks, and my 12 inch . . . ruler. What should I do? Signed, D. Gozinya Dear D. Accept what you are, and meet me at my place at 8pm. Love, Red 'SPOTLIGHT ON THE PAST: RED WATCH' Recently, the Editorial Staff at The Tabloid News received a number of letters and telegrams asking who Red Watch was, and why she was qualified to give advice. Red Watch joined our staff a long time ago, when it was decided that this newspaper needed feminine guidance and direction. This paper needed a woman’s touch (and so did the editor). So, we decided that Red should help the lovelorn, depressed, and everyone who needed her help. So, she began to dispense advice with the same self-serving ruthlessness she pursued her private life. One poor soul wrote in that he was contemplating suicide. So, she sent him a razor. It was this kind of hands on, direct approach that made the public love her, and trust her with their problems. Much more could be said about the woman who is Red Watch, but, to sum it all up, we at The Tabloid News appreciate her contributions to our staff and, thanks to her, we sleep with one eye open. Humour: So, an Irish Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and a Prostitute walk into a bar. The Priest has a duck under his arm. The Rabbi has a horse on a harness. The Prostitute is carrying a singing frog. They all sit up at the bar, and the Priest starts feeding his duck Jack Daniels. The Prostitute takes off all her clothes, climbs on the horse, and starts grinding in it. The Rabbi, in the meantime, circumcises the singing frog. At this point, a Traveling Salesman comes in with a Farmer’s Daughter. They go to a corner table and start kissing and other stuff. The duck finally gets drunk and starts to flap around the room, landing on a blind sailor, knocking his parrot off his shoulder. The parrot flies up to the rafters, and drops a load of poo inside a beer, which is grabbed by the Prostitute who pours it in her hair. The Irish Priest collects the beer running off her breasts into a mug, and then feeds it to the horse. The rabbi, after circumcising the frog blesses it, declares it kosher, and begins to cook the frog for a mime. The mime, although, is stuck in a box, so he doesn’t really matter. The Priest takes out a gun, and shoots the mime, brains splattering all over the mime’s invisible box. At this point, the bartender finally looks up and said, “So what is this, a joke?” POLL JUST IN: 98% OF MAFIA POPULATION DOES NOT UNDERSTAND TABLOID HUMOUR In a recent poll, it was reported that 95% of the people did not see the humour in the above joke. 'COUNCIL OF SUPREME LINGUISTS TO HOLD MEETINGS AGAIN' The Council of Supreme Linguists (COSL), having been removed from their street corners many times, have decided to hold their meetings at the Dew Drop Inn conference room. That is the Dew Drop Inn on Highway 47, the one with hourly rates. These renowned thread pirates are holding their meetings at 7pm, directly following the Shriners’ convention. All prostitutes for the Shriners are welcome to stay for the COSL as well.